#7

I keep seeing you in my dreams, loving this girl who isn’t me.

#6

im the type of girl that youll never see me cry or even sad. i wont show you the weakest side of me. not that im heartless. its just i dont want you to see how bad i am trying to cope with this situation.

#5

I pretend to be strong so you won't see me weak. But inside I'm just a fragile little twig.

When I pretend to be strong,no one sees my hidden tears except Allah. When I'm sad and need a shoulder to cry on, no one supports me but Allah.

and i told Him a lot about you. 

have a good life ahead, sayang.

After all this time

After all this time,

you still haven’t left my mind

I still spend every moment wondering if you’re thinking of me too.

After all this time

I still torture myself thinking that you’ll call or maybe text

and I just stare at my phone for hours.

After all this time 

I know I shouldn’t. but I still love you

and I’m still yours.

#4

A lot of people walk in and out of my life, but you’re one of the only people I ever really wanted to stick around. However, I couldn’t make you stay.

#3

It’s always been you even when I didn't want it to be, even when it broke my heart over and over again. It’s just always been you.

#2

Most people can’t tell the difference between a fake smile and a real one. It’s only because they don’t take the time to look into the eyes, the only part of the body that can’t psychically hold lies.

#1

sometimes i’m sad, and sometimes i’m angry; but right now i can’t feel anything, and i think this is worse.

No one

I'm the one who you can count every time you had a bad time. I'll be there. But when the world turns around, I always have nobody. Sometimes I just wanna have someone to tell me that it's okay for me to not being okay. To not feeling okay. But everytime I need it I always ended up telling my ownself that I'm okay. I have no one.

Words

Because nothing hurts me more than your words.
I might seems okay
That's because I don't know how to care
That's because I don't know how to tell you that I'm sad
That's because my tears couldn't be seen

Because nothing hurts me more than your words.

A girl #2

She's the strong daughter.
She's the big sister to her elder sister.

But sometimes the world forget, she is a girl too

I'm sorry

I'm sorry if I didn't get the chance to say sorry,
I'm sorry if it didn't end as how we want it to be,
I'm sorry for those moments I've hurt you,
I'm sorry for being me,
I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for being me. I'm imperfect. I'm full of flaws.

I'm sorry for being me.

Penat

Penat jaga hati orang.
Penat.

To be happy

All the pain in her eyes;
No one could see it. No one could reach it.

The pain that she's been hiding because she thinks nobody would care.
The pain that she's been living have already made her a home.
The pain that she thinks nobody would ever care.
Because all of her pain, she's been hiding it well.

Because she chose to be happy and she kept all the pain away.
Because instead of living in sadness she just wanted to be happy.

Nothing more but a girl

'Of all the pain in this vain, I train myself restrain'

I want to be loved even if I don't know how to love.
I want to be cared even if I don't know how to care.

All these walls I've built kept me away from all those bullshits.
And kept me away from all the love I think I deserve.

Nothing could speak my broken heart.
Nothing could speak my broken soul.

I've tried my best to fix it.
But the harder I tried, the higher the wall I built.

Day to day
I lost my love to cherish
I lost my soul to sing
I lost my heart to live

I keep telling myself I'm a queen. I'll fix myself.

But now I realize I don't need anything but a person to save me.

Because I am dear world; nothing more but a girl

Crying

I'm not crying.
Not because of I'm strong
But the fact that I'm so fragile I can't even handle my own breakdown.

I can't handle my tears.
That's the reason why I stop crying.

Memberi Tanpa menerima

Aku mungkin sedikit aggressive, mungkin sedikit angkuh, dan ada ego yang sangat tinggi. But i know what i want, and i pursue it, fast and furious. Because my eyes are selective and picky, and i do not let wild hearts come into my territory. I see those who i want, only those who i want, because i want them. I put efforts, i go beyond the distance, aku berikan masa dan ruang, walau tiada komitmen ataupun declaration. Kenapa? Sebab aku percaya akan konsep memberi tanpa  menerima. 

And the least you could do is to not break my hearts. Or atleast break it nicely.

Take me away

Kill me.
Take me away.
I just don't wanna live anymore.

pendapat.

‘Dilla,nanti kalau kau nak kawen kau nak laki tu bayar berapa?’

‘bayar?’

‘hantaran. Hehe’

‘hmm. Kalau aku,aku nak 5k je kot’

‘5?sikitnya. serious la. Mana cukup’

‘kau nakbuatapa hantaran banyak banyak?’

‘buat kenduri la.sekarang ni barang mahal kot. Mana cukup kenduri 5k je’

‘kau nak buat kenduri besar mana?’

‘besarla.kawen sekali je kot.’

‘entah la.aku kalau boleh taknak buat kenduri besar besar. Nak buat kecikje.tak pun gabung je sekali dengan sebelah suami aku nanti’

‘eleh kau kalau kau nak kecik pun kalau buat sekali mana cukup 5k’

‘kalau aku bayar half, tak boleh ke?’

‘mana boleh, lelaki la patut bayar untuk kenduri’

‘oh kalau kau nanti kau nak buat kenduri besar besaran pastu nak suami kau bayar la?’

‘ye la.diorang lelaki kot.pastu kenduri kan sekali je’

‘hmm.kenapa nak membazir spend duit sampai 10k untuk buat kenduri sehari and just untuk impress orang?’

‘habis tu kau nak buat kenduri kecik pastu kau pulak nak bayar half?habis mana peranan lelaki tu?’

‘salah ke aku nak bayar sikit.kan sama sama kawen.pastu duit lebih tu kalau ada, buat beli perabot, sewa rumah nanti pergi travel. Haa aku nak travel dengan suami aku lepas kawen hihihi’

‘eee pelik ah kau ni’

‘entah ah.aku bukan taknak kenduri meriah tapi aku fikir life after the ceremony semua tu. Cemana nak teruskan hidup kalau dah all out guna untuk majlis kawen. Kita buat majlis kawen besar besar untuk apa sebenarnya?impress kan orang? Tu je kn sebenarnya’

‘hmm susah ah cakap dengan kau ni.semua nak menang’

Rambut sama hitam orang kata. Hati lain lain kan. Entah Cuma aku rasa benda pasal kenduri semua ni nak buat besar besar macam irrelevant je.ke aku yang pelik? Mungkin kot.

Happy birthday Umi

I'm so busy living, growing that sometimes I forgot you're also growing, yes you're growing older. 20 years of living I've got a lot to say to you, but I've never have the gut to say it. But now, I do.

Happy birthday Umi. Selamat menyambut hari kelahiran yang ke 49. How time flies. I'm already 20. And you're almost half of decade.

Having you in my life mean so much to me. Having you as my mum taught me how a woman can be as tough as man. And having you taught me that I can be anything that I want despite of all the bad things people ever said to me.

Having you in my life is a bless.

Alhamdulillah.

Even though we don't have too many things to cherish on, there's one thing that I'm so sure of, you'll never let me go. Kan Umi? You'll support me through my thick and thin. You'll always there for me kan Umi?

Thanks Umi for always there supporting me and believing in me. Setiap kali adik malas belajar, adik Akan bayang kan Muka Umi. Adik janji Takkan kecewakan Umi. Keep my words. Doakan adik jadi anak yang baik , hamba yang patuh pada perintah tuhan Nya dan berjaya dunia akhirat. Thanks Umi. I love you.

Pergantungan

Kelmarin aku Ada tengok satu cerita Hindustan ni, tapi lupa Tajuk dia apa. Cerita pasal polis and dia punya unsolved cases sebenarnya. Tapi dalam cerita tu jugak dia tunjuk kan struggling si Amir khan ni sebagai pegawai polis yang hidup terumbang ambing lepas kematian anak dia. Hidup dia, mimpi mimpi dia, dihantui perasaan 'kalau la aku halang anak aku main air' 'kalau la aku cepat sikit selamat kan anak aku' semua jenis kalau dan menyalahkan diri dia sendiri dan fate atas kehilangan anak dia. Bila aku fikir balik, kenapa dia tak boleh move on, tak boleh pasrah or dalam erti kata kita sebagai umat Islam, redha dengan qada dan qadar. Lepas tengok cerita tu baru aku sedar tentang betapa pentingnya pergantungan kepada tuhan, Allah yang satu. Apa yang kita Ada, yang kita punya, semua Nya pinjaman. Dia boleh Ambik bila masa dia suka. Yes, memang kita Akan rasa sedih, tapi kat situ la tunjuk betapa kuat kita Percaya kepada semua yang dah ditulis oleh Nya. Pergantungan dan kepercayaan kita kepada dia yang tak pernah berbelah bagi. Kepercayaan yang setiap apa yang berlaku mesti Ada hikmah Nya and setiap kesusahan tu pastu Ada kesudahana. Allah Takkan Uji kita kalau kita tak mampu. Ingat, every time kita go through hardship, say this sentence to yourself 'this too, shall pass'

Membebel

*sigh*
Belum tulis apa apa dah mengeluh kan. Haha. Entah la aku tak tau nak Mula dengan apa. Baca dua tiga kisah pasal anak anak yang kurang hajar kat parents, my heart sank. Hmm. Mintak duit cara kasar semua. *sambil tengok diri sendiri dalam cermin* well, kenkadang aku pun Biasala Ada jugak ter kasar kan dengan Umi tapi tak selalu and rasa bersalah tu masih Ada. Sejak dah tua ni aku banyak Terfikir pasal masa depan dan hidup aku nanti. Macam mana nanti aku nak survive? Duit and everything. Tapi for now aku masih lagi grateful yang aku boleh hidup Tanpa guna duit parents. Haa kalau orang tengok aku mesti tak Percaya. Tapi memang ni la. Aku paling rasa bersalah nak belanja ke nak joli joli guna duit parent. Semua duit sendiri. Sebab tu aku suka kerja. Cari duit, Cari pengalamanan hidup. Aku dapat beli semua benda aku nak dengan duit aku sendiri. Phone ke laptop ke apa. Dapat shopping sepuas hati aku. Rasa puas dia tu, tak dapat nak gambar kan. Dalam banyak banyak benda yang aku harap dalam hidup aku, aku paling harap aku dapat jadi anak yang tak Menyusahkan. Supaya Umi tak pernah rasa terbeban dengan aku. Umi dah banyak berkorban nak besar kan aku. And aku harap one day, aku Ada anak, dia Akan buat benda yang sama. Tak susahkan hati aku, boleh berdikari and ber diri di atas kaki sendiri. Amin. Takde benda yang aku harap, Selain dapat buat Umi happy and bangga dengan aku. Dan tak rasa burden dengan aku. Aku rela ber lapar seminggu daripada susahkan hati Umi bagitau dia aku takde duit. Aku tau Umi boleh bagi duit tapi aku tak sampai hati nak Mintak. Love you Umi muah 😘

Disappear

Tell me how to make you disappear
from my mind completely,
vanish without a trace
from the depths of my late night thoughts
and evaporate
from the sound of songs
that made me think of you.

I am numb

I lose my dreams in translation
and find them hiding
behind your ears
I’ve lost my love to despair,
my own love has become
much too dangerous
to share
I’ll sleep in the cold
just to feel something
When it comes down to it
but I am numb
even hopelessness
is as incurable
as a disease
and my fingers and toes turn blue

Butterflies

Even tho I try to convince myself that I’m over you, I still get that butterflies every time I see your name or every time I get your text. But nvm, I’ll always be here, watching you in silence.

Missing

She misses her mum.

She misses the long talk they used to have.

She misses everything that she couldn't get now.

And what hurts her the most is,
The fact that her mum still there, in front of her, and yet the distant grow futher.

She just wanted her to hug her, or at least listens to all her stories, again.

She misses the way she used to be.

And she just wanted to have a place called home. A real home. She doesn't care where it is, but what matters the most is, she'll be there for her, that's it for her, a real home.

Broken

She's broken, lost, damaged. She doesn't even know who she is. She lost in the middle of the crowd. She's drowning in the ocean of people. She's sobbing like a kid in the middle of the night. She has no idea who she is. She acted so much that she doesn't even realize, she's torn into pieces. Pieces that she couldn't even find. Depressed, frustration and even the thought of killing herself. She even thinks to cut, but that's gonna be obvious. She doesn't want anybody to find out what she's going through. For the time being, she just let herself sobbing all night long, to heal her broken hearted. May she find her happiness or at least a cure to her broken pieces.