desperate

"opah"
"ye saya"
"opah tahu tak. orang kata kan, mati tu pasti. tapi kita boleh mintak panjang umur. supaya Allah ambik nyawa kita lambat"
"haaa"
"opah jangan pergi dulu tau. at least sampai adik besar."
"hmm InsyaAllah"

senyap. sepi.

i dont even know she's that desperate.

faith?

I

He’s smiling. His mum gets better. His world is getting brighter again. Nothing in this world matter as long as his mum stays healthy. But deep inside his heart, he’d prepare. If this is the time, he’ll let go of her.

                                             

II

‘abang, mak masuk hospital balik, pagi tadi dia tiba-tiba pengsan.’

Mendung. Dia terasa awan mendung berarak kembali.

III

He miscounts his step, his heart beats fast, and his mind blows away. He’s standing there, waiting for a miracle to happen. What will he do without her? What will happen if he loses her? Where should he go to heal his heart? And the most important thing is will he stay alive without her in his life?

IV

 ‘farhan, taknak tolong mandikan jenazah mak kamu ni nak?’

far han hanya mengangguk. Lesu.

Mandikan jenazah?

V

‘farhan, awak dah solat?’

‘dah mak.’

Dia rasa berdosa kerana menipu, tapi itu pilihannya. Farhan sudah  berhenti mempercayai tuhan.

VI

Alhamdulillah. He’s crying inside. He doesn’t wanna let his sisters see his tears. He’s a strong man. He’ll never cry again. He’d cry enough that day. The very last day he could see his mum. He didn’t cry because her mom had passed away, but he cries to the fact that he couldn’t do anything as a son. Because at that time, he’d stop believe on Allah. What would he do if he couldn’t even recite yaasin for his mum? He said he loved her. But, he couldn’t do anything. Anything!

f a m i l y

i keep wondering what is it like to have a family. i mean a real one.

*sigh*

kosong

'A, aku rasa lost. rasa kosong. rasa jauh dari tuhan. rasa tak disayangi'
A senyap.
'kau solat?'
B angguk.
'kau baca quran?'
'ehm, dah berbulan tinggal'
A senyap lagi.
'dulu ustazah kata, kalau rasa hati kosong, itu tanda tanda orang tak dapat hidayah. ehmm takutnya aku A'
A diam merenung lantai.
'kau, kalau rasa lapar kau buat apa?'
'cari makanan la, makan. takkan nak duduk diam je, makanan bukan masuk dalam mulut sendiri,'
B ketawa.
A pegang bahu B
'yes. itulah. kalau kau rasa jauh dari tuhan, allah. cari dia balik. hidayah tak datang bergolek B, hidayah ni kita kena cari. kena doa. macam kau kata, makanan tak masuk mulut sendiri. macam tu jugak hidayah B'

B terdiam. mengangguk.

perjalanan

dia tenung sebentar. kaku. dia lihat ke atas. kosong. dia lihat ke belakang. gelap. dia sembunyi di balik batu. dia takut. dia kecut. ada sesuatu yang mengekorinya. dia hentakkan kaki ke lantai tanah yang sudah merekah.

'ahh. itu semua mainan perasaan. hantuan kenangan lalu.'

dia teruskan perjalanan mencari kebahagian. walaupun dia tahu masih ada yang mengekorinya.

bayang

lari.

lari dan terus lari.

lari dalam gelap. tak ada cahaya di hadapan.

lari sampai tersadung.

lari walaupun luka.

lari walaupun sakit.

lari dari bayang.

adakah mampu?

mungkin mampu lari daripada bayang kalau jasad yang berlari turut lesap dalam kegelapan malam.

A N G E R

'tulah, kan dah kata, jangan letak barang merata-rata. kan dah hilang!'

'hah, siapa suruh buat, kan diri sendiri kena tanggung!'

*tarik nafas*

menahan dari api kemarahan yang dah macam nak tersembur keluar macam naga.

terasa macam nak lari laju laju, berdiri tengah jalan raya yang sesak, dan biarkan kereta lenyek lenyek aku.

mungkin itu lagi mudah daripada menahan api dalam diri sendiri. orang kata, marah tu datangnya dari syaitan.

tapi kalau marah dekat diri sendiri, datangnya daripada syatan jugak? itu aku tak tahu.

marah kalau kena marah.

marah kalau kena provoke

ya. itu kelemahan terbesar aku. marah.

tapi aku sebenarnya pelik, dalam keadaan aku sepatutnya marah, marah tu macam angin. lalu je kat depan muka, lepas tu hilang. lesap.

tapi dalam keadaan aku yang salah, aku jadi marah. aku marah bila orang persoalkan kesalahan aku. aku marah bila orang mengungkit kecuaian aku. sedangkan itu sebenarnya salah aku. dan kadang kadang, susah nak kawal kemarahan sendiri. sebabnya, kemarahan dah menguasai kewarasan aku.

ya, masa aku marah aku sangat jerk, sangat rude dan tak fikirkan perasaan orang. dalam keadaan marah, aku masih lagi sempat mencari kesalahan orang- 'kalau dia tak initiate aku, mesti aku tak marah'

tapi aku sebenarnya sedar, aku sedang melakukan kesalahan. marah memang tak salah, tapi dalam  keadaan aku, aku salah. ya aku mengaku. tapi itu la kegagalan aku. gagal mengawal emosi dari terus dipengaruhi amarah.

aku harus belajar bertenang. 

tarik nafas dalam dalam.

dan biarkan api kemarahan itu hilang dengan air kesabaran.

ya. 

sabar.

happy father's day

Happy father’s day.

Well, this is gonna be kinda long post. If you got something else to do, go ahead. This entry is just a piece of crap. Oh. Who reads my blog anyway?

There are a lot of things going in my mind, I got a lot to be told, written, but somehow my fingers don’t know how to work it out.

Ayah.

I've never called anyone, as I remember as ayah. And it doesn't even have a meaning to me. Who needs ayah when you’re already got an iron woman as your mom?  I've never in my life imagine that I got someone to be called as ayah. But every time I look at the mirror, the reflection of him is always there. Yeah, most of the people who knows him, told me that I’m a feminine and a younger version of him. But the truth is, I've never met him. Not even once. The only thing I know about him is, he’s a reflection of mine.  Umi never told me or kakak anything bout him. It’s not her fault though. Maybe she just wanted to move on. Hell yeah, who says it’s easy to start a new life with two daughter and being the only parent to grow them up?

And tbh, most of my friends didn't know about wth had happened to me. It’s not that im hiding things from them, it just, I hate when they said ‘ouh, im sorry’

Wtf? Its not your fault that I don’t have him in my life. It aint my fault either. So don’t show me your sympathy. I don’t need that. Cause I never felt sad or whatever it is to the fact that I don’t have an ayah. It just, it’s my fate.  

Yeah. I’m sorry. It sounded rough. But it’s the way it is. I can’t help it.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY UMI. YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT DAD AND MUM TO ME. I DON’T NEED ANYBODY ELSE.

Who says we can’t be happy? The choice is in our hand. Find a way to cope with your sadness. Deal with it. It hurts, but it doesn't worth living in pain aite?  

 

Hakim

cant help it, norma manusia biasa: akan menghakimi setiap orang yang dia lihat.

I

A: bapak ah sumpah pendek gila skirt dia, aku rasa panjang sikit je dari underwear dia.

B: tau takpe, confirm kalau dia duduk memang nampak.

A: eh sekarang dah pukul berapa eh?

B: 6.45. apasal?

A: kita tak solat asar lagi wei, jom la.

*surau*

A:eh tu budak skirt pendek tadi kan?

B: haah la dia buat apa kat sini hah? tunggu kawan dia solat kot. ish ish apala bukan nak solat, duduk je kat situ.

A: eh kau ni bebel pulak cepatla solat dah nak habis waktu ni.

.............................................................

*azan maghrib-budak skirt pendek terus menyarung telekung dan mendirikan solat maghrib*

B: eh budak skirt pendek tu solat la. aku rasa dia duduk tadi sebab tunggu maghrib la. mesti dia dah solat asar awal.

A:hmmmmmmm 

II

entahlah. bagi aku kita memang aku tak ada hak nak judge sesiapa  (which i always did intentionally haha)  because behind a person theres thousand of stories that made her what she is now. some stories made us better but some might be not. sebab sepanjang aku hidup, rasanya ive been misjudged like thousandths  millionths  billionths or trillionths times. well said, im used to it. haha

whatever

you wanna call me crazy or silly or whatever it is. yeah. im kinda crazy right now. im battling with my own feeling. stalk. sakit hati. meroyan. stalk. sakit hati. meroyan. walaupun aku tau sakit nya hati aku baca semua benda apa apa yang related pasal kau aku still tak boleh berhenti.

still.

aku ingat aku dah moved on.
tu apa yang aku ingat. apa yang aku rasa.
but somehow.
i wish i text-ed you and tell you what i really feel.
hmm.

but it just in my mind. in my dream. i had never text you. or at least made any effort.

its not because i dont like you.

its not you that im rejecting or ignoring or whatever, it just my heart that im protecting.

im coward. yes, i need to admit this. im afraid of losing.  im afraid of the shadows that always there, haunted me everywhere i go. im afraid that i might like you so much that i will get hurt. but unfortunately, i did. i just did.

im sorry that ive crossed the line. im not supposed to like you this much that every time i see your name my heart beat fast, real fast.

ive never say goodbye to anyone.

maybe this will be the first, and the last.





GOODBYE.

gagal

pertama kali dalam hidup rasa tak guna.rasa sia sia. rasa bodoh. rasa gagal merancang. rasa gagal dalam menetukan perjalanan hidup. rasa gelap dah tak nampak jalan. hanya nampak bayang hitam yang penuh duri, penuh lopak.

ya. saya gagal  dalam memilih. merancang dan  mennetukan hala tuju hidup sendiri.