I am numb

I lose my dreams in translation
and find them hiding
behind your ears
I’ve lost my love to despair,
my own love has become
much too dangerous
to share
I’ll sleep in the cold
just to feel something
When it comes down to it
but I am numb
even hopelessness
is as incurable
as a disease
and my fingers and toes turn blue

Butterflies

Even tho I try to convince myself that I’m over you, I still get that butterflies every time I see your name or every time I get your text. But nvm, I’ll always be here, watching you in silence.

Missing

She misses her mum.

She misses the long talk they used to have.

She misses everything that she couldn't get now.

And what hurts her the most is,
The fact that her mum still there, in front of her, and yet the distant grow futher.

She just wanted her to hug her, or at least listens to all her stories, again.

She misses the way she used to be.

And she just wanted to have a place called home. A real home. She doesn't care where it is, but what matters the most is, she'll be there for her, that's it for her, a real home.

Broken

She's broken, lost, damaged. She doesn't even know who she is. She lost in the middle of the crowd. She's drowning in the ocean of people. She's sobbing like a kid in the middle of the night. She has no idea who she is. She acted so much that she doesn't even realize, she's torn into pieces. Pieces that she couldn't even find. Depressed, frustration and even the thought of killing herself. She even thinks to cut, but that's gonna be obvious. She doesn't want anybody to find out what she's going through. For the time being, she just let herself sobbing all night long, to heal her broken hearted. May she find her happiness or at least a cure to her broken pieces.

desperate

"opah"
"ye saya"
"opah tahu tak. orang kata kan, mati tu pasti. tapi kita boleh mintak panjang umur. supaya Allah ambik nyawa kita lambat"
"haaa"
"opah jangan pergi dulu tau. at least sampai adik besar."
"hmm InsyaAllah"

senyap. sepi.

i dont even know she's that desperate.

faith?

I

He’s smiling. His mum gets better. His world is getting brighter again. Nothing in this world matter as long as his mum stays healthy. But deep inside his heart, he’d prepare. If this is the time, he’ll let go of her.

                                             

II

‘abang, mak masuk hospital balik, pagi tadi dia tiba-tiba pengsan.’

Mendung. Dia terasa awan mendung berarak kembali.

III

He miscounts his step, his heart beats fast, and his mind blows away. He’s standing there, waiting for a miracle to happen. What will he do without her? What will happen if he loses her? Where should he go to heal his heart? And the most important thing is will he stay alive without her in his life?

IV

 ‘farhan, taknak tolong mandikan jenazah mak kamu ni nak?’

far han hanya mengangguk. Lesu.

Mandikan jenazah?

V

‘farhan, awak dah solat?’

‘dah mak.’

Dia rasa berdosa kerana menipu, tapi itu pilihannya. Farhan sudah  berhenti mempercayai tuhan.

VI

Alhamdulillah. He’s crying inside. He doesn’t wanna let his sisters see his tears. He’s a strong man. He’ll never cry again. He’d cry enough that day. The very last day he could see his mum. He didn’t cry because her mom had passed away, but he cries to the fact that he couldn’t do anything as a son. Because at that time, he’d stop believe on Allah. What would he do if he couldn’t even recite yaasin for his mum? He said he loved her. But, he couldn’t do anything. Anything!

f a m i l y

i keep wondering what is it like to have a family. i mean a real one.

*sigh*