happy father's day

Happy father’s day.

Well, this is gonna be kinda long post. If you got something else to do, go ahead. This entry is just a piece of crap. Oh. Who reads my blog anyway?

There are a lot of things going in my mind, I got a lot to be told, written, but somehow my fingers don’t know how to work it out.

Ayah.

I've never called anyone, as I remember as ayah. And it doesn't even have a meaning to me. Who needs ayah when you’re already got an iron woman as your mom?  I've never in my life imagine that I got someone to be called as ayah. But every time I look at the mirror, the reflection of him is always there. Yeah, most of the people who knows him, told me that I’m a feminine and a younger version of him. But the truth is, I've never met him. Not even once. The only thing I know about him is, he’s a reflection of mine.  Umi never told me or kakak anything bout him. It’s not her fault though. Maybe she just wanted to move on. Hell yeah, who says it’s easy to start a new life with two daughter and being the only parent to grow them up?

And tbh, most of my friends didn't know about wth had happened to me. It’s not that im hiding things from them, it just, I hate when they said ‘ouh, im sorry’

Wtf? Its not your fault that I don’t have him in my life. It aint my fault either. So don’t show me your sympathy. I don’t need that. Cause I never felt sad or whatever it is to the fact that I don’t have an ayah. It just, it’s my fate.  

Yeah. I’m sorry. It sounded rough. But it’s the way it is. I can’t help it.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY UMI. YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT DAD AND MUM TO ME. I DON’T NEED ANYBODY ELSE.

Who says we can’t be happy? The choice is in our hand. Find a way to cope with your sadness. Deal with it. It hurts, but it doesn't worth living in pain aite?  

 

Hakim

cant help it, norma manusia biasa: akan menghakimi setiap orang yang dia lihat.

I

A: bapak ah sumpah pendek gila skirt dia, aku rasa panjang sikit je dari underwear dia.

B: tau takpe, confirm kalau dia duduk memang nampak.

A: eh sekarang dah pukul berapa eh?

B: 6.45. apasal?

A: kita tak solat asar lagi wei, jom la.

*surau*

A:eh tu budak skirt pendek tadi kan?

B: haah la dia buat apa kat sini hah? tunggu kawan dia solat kot. ish ish apala bukan nak solat, duduk je kat situ.

A: eh kau ni bebel pulak cepatla solat dah nak habis waktu ni.

.............................................................

*azan maghrib-budak skirt pendek terus menyarung telekung dan mendirikan solat maghrib*

B: eh budak skirt pendek tu solat la. aku rasa dia duduk tadi sebab tunggu maghrib la. mesti dia dah solat asar awal.

A:hmmmmmmm 

II

entahlah. bagi aku kita memang aku tak ada hak nak judge sesiapa  (which i always did intentionally haha)  because behind a person theres thousand of stories that made her what she is now. some stories made us better but some might be not. sebab sepanjang aku hidup, rasanya ive been misjudged like thousandths  millionths  billionths or trillionths times. well said, im used to it. haha

whatever

you wanna call me crazy or silly or whatever it is. yeah. im kinda crazy right now. im battling with my own feeling. stalk. sakit hati. meroyan. stalk. sakit hati. meroyan. walaupun aku tau sakit nya hati aku baca semua benda apa apa yang related pasal kau aku still tak boleh berhenti.

still.

aku ingat aku dah moved on.
tu apa yang aku ingat. apa yang aku rasa.
but somehow.
i wish i text-ed you and tell you what i really feel.
hmm.

but it just in my mind. in my dream. i had never text you. or at least made any effort.

its not because i dont like you.

its not you that im rejecting or ignoring or whatever, it just my heart that im protecting.

im coward. yes, i need to admit this. im afraid of losing.  im afraid of the shadows that always there, haunted me everywhere i go. im afraid that i might like you so much that i will get hurt. but unfortunately, i did. i just did.

im sorry that ive crossed the line. im not supposed to like you this much that every time i see your name my heart beat fast, real fast.

ive never say goodbye to anyone.

maybe this will be the first, and the last.





GOODBYE.

gagal

pertama kali dalam hidup rasa tak guna.rasa sia sia. rasa bodoh. rasa gagal merancang. rasa gagal dalam menetukan perjalanan hidup. rasa gelap dah tak nampak jalan. hanya nampak bayang hitam yang penuh duri, penuh lopak.

ya. saya gagal  dalam memilih. merancang dan  mennetukan hala tuju hidup sendiri.

dear qila

dah lama tak menulis. dan tak pandai menulis. log in ke blog dengan satu harapan. harapan menulis untuk seseorang yang aku sayang dapat baca apa yang aku tulis.

dear qila,
you knew that im not good with words kan. apa lagi affection.so for me to do this, its taking kinda a lot of time to figure out things that i should say.

i knew what you felt qila.

and i know that youre not gonna stop. not gonna giving up. cause he is just not someone who is inside your heart, but he is someone that made you aqila syahiena. he brought something in your life. he brought happiness, sadness yet indiscribeable feeling. yeah. i knew that. so qila. im not gonna tell you to stop,which i knew you wouldnt. im here, always here to hear everything you wanna tell, to watch every single thing happen through out your journey, and to be here, hold your hand and make it through every single dream that we dream about. i may not seem to care, but i do.i may not seem to hear, but i do, i may not seem to support you but seriously i do.

im here to tell you,

waiting isnt a crime.

love,
adillahfarhana

cerita jepun.

it has been a while, and got tonnes of things play in my mind that i dont really sure what the heck am i think.

'dilla, jom pergi shah alam jomjom'

insane! thats the first thing that ever crossed in my mind when she popped out with that unthinkable idea. i had never realize what love really mean and does to some people like her, but i do realize something, love DO drive someone crazy.

gila tak gila dalam satu malam berulang alik dari kl-shah alam semata mata sebab perasaan? kalau memang nak ikutkan fikiran aku yang waras ni, memang aku dah awal awal kata tak, tapi bila tengok muka bersungguh dia nak jayakan plan yang tagkap muat tu, i decided to be a part of the-tangkap-muat game. yes, its not even a game pun, but to make it sound a lil bit interesting, i think i should just call it a game as it happen in just a blink of an eye. sedar sedar pagi aku dah ada dekat um. tak ke gila? aku kagum gila dengan determination gadis jepun dia yang pertama kali sebenarnya berlaku dalam hidup aku. kinda awesome though. kalau aku dapat lukis balik semua benda yang dah jadi plus hiperbola sikit ruparupa watak sedia ada jadi macam komik jepun, serius cerita diorang memang sama.

this is not her for sure. haha

sebagai kawan yang menyaksikan kisah korang dengan mata kepala aku sendiri, aku memang harap everything gonna end in a good way. 9 years to go, yes i know its kinda a long time, but hey, jodoh pertemuan semua kan ditangan tuhan. i know you'll always pray the best, and one thing for sure girls, dont lose yourself if one day thing happen just not on your way, bukan doakan sad ending ke apa, tapi kita still kena fikir every possibilities kan? and aku akan selalu doakan kau akan dapat apa yang kau impikan. im happy to see you happy, yes i do sis. cause you're my friend. and friend doesnt let their friend alone kan? sorry lah babe tulis cerita pasal kau. but seriously, ive never expected that we gonna work that plan, but its awesome anyway :)

bear this in your mind sis.

well, ini untuk aku sebenarnya, hahaah :)

Fikiran

And [yet], among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals [to Him]. They love them as they [should] love Allah . But those who believe are stronger in love for Allah ......
“Dan antara manusia ada orang yang menjadikan selain Allah sebagai tandingan. Mereka mencintainya sebagaimana mereka mencintai Allah. Adapun orang yang beriman amat sangat cintanya pada Allah…( Al Baqarah 2: 165)

dan sejak belakangan ni, aku sering teringat tentang kisah yang aku pernah baca when i was in form 5.

Kalau cakap pasal syirik, mensyirikkan Allah s.w.t aku rasa semua orang takut, tapi kadang-kadang aku sendiri tersedar yang sebenarnya some point dalam hidup kita yang tanpa kita sedari, kita telah mensyirikkan Allah.

dan sebenarnya kan, syirik tu apa?

syirik ertinya menduakan. Ya benar, menduakan Allah. Ia terhitung raja segala dosa. Dosa yang tidak ada andilnya untuk diampunkan oleh Allah SWT.

aku tak tahu kenapa, sejak dua menjak ni, benda tu keep on playing in my mind, yang mana aku rasa, mungkin peringatan dari Allah sebab aku keep on remembering someone that i should not to.

mungkin dalam sedar tak sedar, aku, dan mungkin ada orang lain senasib dengan aku telah dalam diam, mensyirikkan Allah. sebab aku baca petikan ni dekat satu blog tu :

'Syirk-al-mahabbah adalah menduakan Allah dalam cinta. Dalam pertembungan antara cinta sesama makhluk dan cinta kepada Allah, maka cinta kepada Allah perlu lebih diutamakan. Apabila kita mencintai seseorang maka segalanya terasa indah dan ringan. Bak kata Laila Majnun yang gila di rasuk cinta ‘andai aku tidak bisa melihat orangnya, maka atap rumahnya sudah bisa menenangkan ku’. Ya,  itu kuasa cinta.'

dan baru aku sedar, yang selama ni, sebagai seorang manusia lemah, aku banyak melupakan Allah s.w.t yang tak pernah melupakan aku, aku banyak mengisi masa aku dengan mengingati perkara yang salah, dan pada masa yang sama, makin banyak titik hitam yang timbul merata rata dekat hati aku.

sejak dua menjak ni jugak, aku selalu lihat ermm, mungkin 'rakan sebaya' dah mula berkepit, dan kadang kadang aku terfikir, kenapa aku tak ada teman. hikhik. tapi, bila fikir balik ayat roomate aku "kau nak jeles dengan diorang? kau jeles dengan diorang sebab diorang tambah dosa?"

BOOM! tepat kena muka aku. 

aku sangat sangat berharap yang aku akan selalu diingatkan dan mengingatkan yang menghampiri zina ini hukumnya adalah HARAM.

kepada rakanrakan aku yang sudah berpunya atau belum, semoga jodoh korang ditemukan dengan orang yang soleh. dan semoga kita sama sama meniti dunia yang penuh ranjau ni dengan hati yang kuat dan selalu mengingatiNYA.