love letter #1

Hai ayah. Harini adik dah umur 23 tahun. Walaupun dah umur 23 tahun, tapi adik still tak tinggi macam ayah. Kakak dah kawen, dah ada anak perempuan. Kalau ayah ada mesti ayah happy kan dapat cucu perempuan. Nama dia hanania. Masa lepas kakak habis pantang, adik jaga nia sekejap. Sebab tak sampai hati nak letak dia dekat rumah pengasuh. Adik sayang sangat dekat nia. Nia ni baik sangat. Tak meragam lansung. Macam tau je mama dia takde and taknak susah kan ashu dia.  Umi pun dah kawen. Tapi adik tak happy pun dapat ayah baru. I never think of him as a dad. He don’t give me love or even money haha. Tapi kan ayah, kesian sangat dekat umi. Sebab anak anak tiri umi selalu buat perangai. Sian umi sakit kepala. Padahal anak sendiri takde masalah pun. Kalau nak cerita pasal diorang sampai bila pun tak habis kan ayah. Btw adik skang ada boyfriend huhu. I think if youre still here, youll probably behave like him. Dia tak romantic pun, tapi dia jaga adik. Macam abang abang or maybe macam ayah ayah. Maybe sebab adik tak pernah rasa macam mana ada ayah, im longing for his presence. I don’t mind if my friend kutuk sebab ikut cakap bf, tapi entah lah. Kalau ayah ada sekarang ayah bangga tak dengan adik sekarang? I tried so hard to be the best person I can be. I tried to be as kind as I can, as selfless as I can but sometimes people just don’t appreciate me. I always be that one friend who listens but never who shares. Yesterday, one of my friend asked me “dilla, you tak rasa terbeban ke bila ramai orang share problems dengan you?” I simply replied “nope”. But today when I think back about it, I actually like when people share their problem with me. At least I know, im not the only person in this world who are not fortunate enough. Sometimes, those stories keep me sane. Ayah, I like being the friend who listens. Sometimes I give them shitty opinions but somehow I know, they don’t really need my opinions, they just wanna share their stories with somebody. Maybe to keep their sanity too or simply because they want to let go of their burden. Ayah, I hope one day, I will get a family, a real one. I mean, a complete one. Ive never told anybody but actually I, I don’t know how to describe this feeling. Missing you? No. ive never see you, how on earth I will miss you. Sometimes I get jealous when my friend told me about their dads. If youre here will you be my first love? Will you give me everything and do anything to keep me happy? Will I forever be your lil girl? Will you love me unconditionally despite all my flaws and imperfections? Will you pat me and tell me everything is gonna be okay, the first time I got my heart broken? Will you cry the day you send me away? Will you think of me? I have a lot of unanswered questions which I know will remain as one. Ayah, I miss you. Till we meet again.

I need help

Believe me, anything you said to a kid will be planted in her head and she'll hold onto it. I grew up as a girl who is always insecure about her life because I've been told that I'm ugly since I was a kid. Even if it's just a joke that my bigger sister did but somehow I've already planted the thought in my head. I grew up never believe that I'm beautiful the way I am. I always thought that I'm the ugliest person in the room. Sometimes the thought is killing me. 

#7

I keep seeing you in my dreams, loving this girl who isn’t me.

#6

im the type of girl that youll never see me cry or even sad. i wont show you the weakest side of me. not that im heartless. its just i dont want you to see how bad i am trying to cope with this situation.

#5

I pretend to be strong so you won't see me weak. But inside I'm just a fragile little twig.

When I pretend to be strong,no one sees my hidden tears except Allah. When I'm sad and need a shoulder to cry on, no one supports me but Allah.

and i told Him a lot about you. 

have a good life ahead, sayang.

After all this time

After all this time,

you still haven’t left my mind

I still spend every moment wondering if you’re thinking of me too.

After all this time

I still torture myself thinking that you’ll call or maybe text

and I just stare at my phone for hours.

After all this time 

I know I shouldn’t. but I still love you

and I’m still yours.

#4

A lot of people walk in and out of my life, but you’re one of the only people I ever really wanted to stick around. However, I couldn’t make you stay.

#3

It’s always been you even when I didn't want it to be, even when it broke my heart over and over again. It’s just always been you.

#2

Most people can’t tell the difference between a fake smile and a real one. It’s only because they don’t take the time to look into the eyes, the only part of the body that can’t psychically hold lies.

#1

sometimes i’m sad, and sometimes i’m angry; but right now i can’t feel anything, and i think this is worse.

No one

I'm the one who you can count every time you had a bad time. I'll be there. But when the world turns around, I always have nobody. Sometimes I just wanna have someone to tell me that it's okay for me to not being okay. To not feeling okay. But everytime I need it I always ended up telling my ownself that I'm okay. I have no one.

Words

Because nothing hurts me more than your words.
I might seems okay
That's because I don't know how to care
That's because I don't know how to tell you that I'm sad
That's because my tears couldn't be seen

Because nothing hurts me more than your words.

A girl #2

She's the strong daughter.
She's the big sister to her elder sister.

But sometimes the world forget, she is a girl too

I'm sorry

I'm sorry if I didn't get the chance to say sorry,
I'm sorry if it didn't end as how we want it to be,
I'm sorry for those moments I've hurt you,
I'm sorry for being me,
I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for being me. I'm imperfect. I'm full of flaws.

I'm sorry for being me.

Penat

Penat jaga hati orang.
Penat.

To be happy

All the pain in her eyes;
No one could see it. No one could reach it.

The pain that she's been hiding because she thinks nobody would care.
The pain that she's been living have already made her a home.
The pain that she thinks nobody would ever care.
Because all of her pain, she's been hiding it well.

Because she chose to be happy and she kept all the pain away.
Because instead of living in sadness she just wanted to be happy.

Nothing more but a girl

'Of all the pain in this vain, I train myself restrain'

I want to be loved even if I don't know how to love.
I want to be cared even if I don't know how to care.

All these walls I've built kept me away from all those bullshits.
And kept me away from all the love I think I deserve.

Nothing could speak my broken heart.
Nothing could speak my broken soul.

I've tried my best to fix it.
But the harder I tried, the higher the wall I built.

Day to day
I lost my love to cherish
I lost my soul to sing
I lost my heart to live

I keep telling myself I'm a queen. I'll fix myself.

But now I realize I don't need anything but a person to save me.

Because I am dear world; nothing more but a girl

Crying

I'm not crying.
Not because of I'm strong
But the fact that I'm so fragile I can't even handle my own breakdown.

I can't handle my tears.
That's the reason why I stop crying.

Memberi Tanpa menerima

Aku mungkin sedikit aggressive, mungkin sedikit angkuh, dan ada ego yang sangat tinggi. But i know what i want, and i pursue it, fast and furious. Because my eyes are selective and picky, and i do not let wild hearts come into my territory. I see those who i want, only those who i want, because i want them. I put efforts, i go beyond the distance, aku berikan masa dan ruang, walau tiada komitmen ataupun declaration. Kenapa? Sebab aku percaya akan konsep memberi tanpa  menerima. 

And the least you could do is to not break my hearts. Or atleast break it nicely.

Take me away

Kill me.
Take me away.
I just don't wanna live anymore.