Hai ayah. Harini adik dah umur 23 tahun. Walaupun dah umur
23 tahun, tapi adik still tak tinggi macam ayah. Kakak dah kawen, dah ada anak
perempuan. Kalau ayah ada mesti ayah happy kan dapat cucu perempuan. Nama dia
hanania. Masa lepas kakak habis pantang, adik jaga nia sekejap. Sebab tak
sampai hati nak letak dia dekat rumah pengasuh. Adik sayang sangat dekat nia. Nia
ni baik sangat. Tak meragam lansung. Macam tau je mama dia takde and taknak
susah kan ashu dia. Umi pun dah kawen. Tapi
adik tak happy pun dapat ayah baru. I never think of him as a dad. He don’t give
me love or even money haha. Tapi kan ayah, kesian sangat dekat umi. Sebab anak
anak tiri umi selalu buat perangai. Sian umi sakit kepala. Padahal anak sendiri
takde masalah pun. Kalau nak cerita pasal diorang sampai bila pun tak habis kan
ayah. Btw adik skang ada boyfriend huhu. I think if youre still here, youll
probably behave like him. Dia tak romantic pun, tapi dia jaga adik. Macam abang
abang or maybe macam ayah ayah. Maybe sebab adik tak pernah rasa macam mana ada
ayah, im longing for his presence. I don’t mind if my friend kutuk sebab ikut
cakap bf, tapi entah lah. Kalau ayah ada sekarang ayah bangga tak dengan adik
sekarang? I tried so hard to be the best person I can be. I tried to be as kind
as I can, as selfless as I can but sometimes people just don’t appreciate me. I
always be that one friend who listens but never who shares. Yesterday, one of
my friend asked me “dilla, you tak rasa terbeban ke bila ramai orang share
problems dengan you?” I simply replied “nope”. But today when I think back about
it, I actually like when people share their problem with me. At least I know,
im not the only person in this world who are not fortunate enough. Sometimes,
those stories keep me sane. Ayah, I like being the friend who listens. Sometimes
I give them shitty opinions but somehow I know, they don’t really need my opinions,
they just wanna share their stories with somebody. Maybe to keep their sanity
too or simply because they want to let go of their burden. Ayah, I hope one
day, I will get a family, a real one. I mean, a complete one. Ive never told
anybody but actually I, I don’t know how to describe this feeling. Missing you?
No. ive never see you, how on earth I will miss you. Sometimes I get jealous when
my friend told me about their dads. If youre here will you be my first love? Will
you give me everything and do anything to keep me happy? Will I forever be your
lil girl? Will you love me unconditionally despite all my flaws and imperfections?
Will you pat me and tell me everything is gonna be okay, the first time I got
my heart broken? Will you cry the day you send me away? Will you think of me? I
have a lot of unanswered questions which I know will remain as one. Ayah, I miss
you. Till we meet again.
adillahfarhanaabdulmalek
Live the moment. Cherish the present. Anticipate the future. Frame the yesteryear.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
I need help
Believe me, anything you said to a kid will be planted in her head and she'll hold onto it. I grew up as a girl who is always insecure about her life because I've been told that I'm ugly since I was a kid. Even if it's just a joke that my bigger sister did but somehow I've already planted the thought in my head. I grew up never believe that I'm beautiful the way I am. I always thought that I'm the ugliest person in the room. Sometimes the thought is killing me.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
#6
im the type of girl that youll never see me cry or even sad. i wont show you the weakest side of me. not that im heartless. its just i dont want you to see how bad i am trying to cope with this situation.
#5
I pretend to be strong so you won't see me weak. But inside I'm just a fragile little twig.
When I pretend to be strong,no one sees my hidden tears except Allah. When I'm sad and need a shoulder to cry on, no one supports me but Allah.
and i told Him a lot about you.
have a good life ahead, sayang.
When I pretend to be strong,no one sees my hidden tears except Allah. When I'm sad and need a shoulder to cry on, no one supports me but Allah.
and i told Him a lot about you.
have a good life ahead, sayang.
After all this time
After all this time,
you still haven’t left my mind
I still spend every moment wondering if you’re thinking of me too.
After all this time
I still torture myself thinking that you’ll call or maybe text
and I just stare at my phone for hours.
After all this time
I know I shouldn’t. but I still love you
and I’m still yours.
#4
A lot of people walk in and out of my life, but you’re one of the only people I ever really wanted to stick around. However, I couldn’t make you stay.
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